Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

My sister is getting married tomorrow.

I have greys, so my Mum said I should dye my hair. I don't really like it. I don't know how many weddings and parties I have gone to without colouring my hair and I have survived. All of a sudden, it's a must.

Everyone asked me whether I was going to go to the hairdresser, to cut my hair as well. I said that if I have to, I will, but I don't really see the need, because just styling my hair will probably look good enough. They said "it's your sister's wedding, you have to put some effort in."

I'm sorry, but I'm just not that interested. I just want to get it over and done with. I am not really emotionally close with my family. I have enough trouble just surviving; I have enough to think about without going out all out for a family wedding. I didn't tell them that, obviously. 

Her getting married also means by nephew's moving out really soon. I don't know whether I'll have a baby of my own, so it's a bit upsetting.

The other week, my brother-in-law-to-be was kind of looking at me like I was weird, almost giving me the evils, while I was playing with my nephew. I can tell he was thinking it was kind of childish, and weird given he's not my kid.. but in a way, he is my kid, considering the involvement I've had in his life. It's the closest I'll probably come for a long time.

Two years ago today, I got some very bad news, and it culminated in the break-up I have been so torn about.

I have to go to work tonight too.. I am kind of accepting that I'm falling in love with her again. I know she's not for me, and she's not the only girl in the world, but she's so beautiful... I just need to leave, as soon as possible.

Months ago, I talked about how "it happened two years ago." I kept saying that, partially because I was rounding, and partially because I knew I would still be alone at the two year mark.

I am dreading Valentine's Day.

I was considering getting a Valentine's present for someone I have a crush on. I was kind of excited, planning it in my head. I was going to get her Love Stories, the Everyman's Library collection, if I could find it. 

I was looking online, to see whether people have done it before, and whether it's looked down upon. The general concensus was that if you guys are already friends, then sure.. but if you don't know whether she would appreciate it, then "don't waste your time and money."

God forbid I ever meet someone who would appreciate it.

She's a waitress at my cafe. I know, typical me, liking someone who's forced to be there anyway, not because they like me.. regardless, I'll probably go there on Valentine's Day, just because it would be nice to see her, and because I like coffee LOL. I'll probably say Happy Valentine's Day, and try not to cry.

I'm finding it harder and harder to believe any result is going to be worth it.

I'm about to turn twenty-six, in April. It feels like the damage has already been done. I mean nothing is going to make me happy at this point. 

I'm just tired...

[Peri]

Dear @Former-Member ,

i don’t think you should dye your hair, for a few reasons it is YOUR hair and if you are happy with it keep it, also dying it the day before could be disastrous, if you hate it there is not opportunity to fix it.  And don’t cut it either, these are you decisions. Don’t be pushed into it.

dont let anyone steal your joy in your nephew, 

recovering from heartbreak can take years and if you see her all the time it is not giving you a chance to heal.

i do feel for you Florence, just be kind to yourself.

peri

[Eden1919]

@Former-Member  i agree with @Peri  your hair is your hair and you shouldnt have to do something to it that you dont want. as long as it is clean and tidy i am sure it will be ok. I am sorry you are feeling bad about the breakup still. as for the valentines day options for your crush may i just ask have you spoken to her and had some conversations out of her workplace yet? or is it more of a love at first sight crush where you havent had time or the chance to get to know her? because if it is the second option i would advise against giving her a gift on valentines day as it might be...well personally if a someone came up to me who i didnt know very well and gave me a gift I would find it a little creepy or off-putting. i mean it would probably be fine to just say happy valentines day to her but an actual gift if you dont know her well may be a little much to some people so i would be cautious with that. if you have been getting to know her for a while then it may be a different story.

anyway sorry this was so long and I hope you can feel a little better soon. 

[Former-Member]

---

as for the valentines day options for your crush may i just ask have you spoken to her and had some conversations out of her workplace yet? or is it more of a love at first sight crush where you havent had time or the chance to get to know her? because if it is the second option i would advise against giving her a gift on valentines day as it might be...well personally if a someone came up to me who i didnt know very well and gave me a gift I would find it a little creepy or off-putting. i mean it would probably be fine to just say happy valentines day to her but an actual gift if you dont know her well may be a little much to some people

---

No, unfortunately, we haven't gotten to know each other. 

I don't mean this angrily, but I don't really appreciate you pointing that out, when I've already been told that.. and I HATE the word "creepy". 

I say "break-up", but we were never together. I saw her as a friend, but it turned out she wasn't my friend. It's complicated. The point is, I have never been in a relationship before. 

I have had one friend my entire life, and she was lovely, but she was always paranoid about the possibility that I could have feelings for her. 

It's very frustrating that I can't express my appreciation and love for someone without being in a mutual romantic relationship, because that's almost impossible for me.

Because of the way I look, and the damage that's been done up until this point, I will probably be alone forever. So I've got all this love to give, and no-one to give it to, without being "creepy." Except myself, but that is profoundly pathetic.

I know you're just trying to help, I'm sorry... I am just angry at myself, and the position I'm in.

[Eden1919]

@Former-Member  I am sorry i didnt mean to upset you in any way. I can understand why you would be frustrated with the situation. not being able to share your feelings with someone must be difficult.