Lived Experience Forum

[Troubled_One]

This is my little rant in this forum.

I am going on 31 and have a brother about 1 year younger than me. Throughout my whole life in our family there was not much love and communication. My brother and I did get along but the majority of the time he and I would not get along and often my father and I would gang up on him and call him names and get our self esteem from this. To me as a child growing up I thought it was ok to do this and never understood what it would be like to be my brother.

My father and mother never communicated emotion and thier relationship was feuled with negative energy. This is where the trigger was I feel and where the dissharmony arose.

My mother only recently said to me that at one stage she said to my brother that my fathers opinion did not matter. To me this may have been the trigger which over time sent me off in the wrong direction. When she told me this it set off alarm bells in my head and that she never spoke to me but spoke to my brother. I think she said this was around when my brother was 14. At around 15 I started drinking and at age 17 started taking drugs. To me this seems all to coinside with each other too much to be a coincidence. When I have asked my mother why she never trusted me as a child and spoke to me she says I did until you started taking drugs. Then she says that I lost her trust but now I have it back.

My brother took drugs and drunk I know this but now I hear she said she told my brother my fathers opinion did not matter it makes me realise she put all her trust in to my brother and left me with my father. My father and I got along but our relationship is terrible, if you have read my other thread in the Our Experience and Stories forum http://saneforums.org/t5/Our-experience-stories/Living-with-depression-and-anxiety/m-p/17866#M2415my father is adopted and is very detached. I think my mother sees the side of him in me and rejects this and this is what has happened throughout my life. Neither my mother and father can seem to accept both thier childs.

Anyway that is my problem I find at the moment with my family. I find I do not get the respect and understanding I deserve.

I speak with my mother tomorrow 15/02/2015 for my birthday 16/02/2015, I will let you all know how I go.

Thanks for your support.

[kristin]

Hey @Troubled_One 

I really feel for you, and by the way ranting is allowed! I also really relate to your feeling of wanting to pin down the cause of your MI. This can be both helpful and unhelpful in my experience. Helpful to look at where it may have come from, unhelpful in changing the current reality much. It is our present, our future being impacted. Searching for the journey to wellness can be long and arduous, but it is worthwhile. Even if your parents were completely able to say "yes we really stuffed up and you carry the damage" (unlikely from the sounds of it) it might ease things a bit, but you would still more than likely have this struggle.

I don't know if it might help you at all but I'm reading a book at the moment which I'm finding really helpful dealing with a lot of the family pain hangover I carry. A lot of what you say is resonating with things in the book - it's called Legacy of the Heart (The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood) by Wayne Muller.

A few years ago if anyone had suggested there were any advantages in this I would have felt like hitting them, never mind biting their head off! But recently, in the last couple of years, I have been surprised to find that it is the case, and so I was intrigued by the title. He's not dismissive or minimising, instead he invites us to feel the deep hurt we carry - to recognise it - so that we can move through to our deeper selves and the gifts which we all have.

Hope for a healing journey endures...

Kind regards, 

Kristin

PS Happy Birthday for Monday - I hope you do something which you really enjoy, with someone who appreciates you for who you are.

[Troubled_One]

Thanks kristin it is nice to know someone cares and understands.

I spoke to my parents today and they said somewhat as you said "we stuffed up" but of course the pain and depression is still there. Its not like a easy fix. To get that emotion out of my mother is hard because she did so much for us as kids but for me to turn around and say I feel you didnt got her angry but today she said she understands what I mean and did show signs of being there for me. My father he agrees and says I should have tried better as a father but its like its already happened and the pain and torment is ever present there. As you said you can try pin it down but its like its already happened and I feel there are lots of issues there that have now happened and even still if they were talked about still what can you do. It seems all too much to just solve itself one day and be happy its like it may go on forever.

Thanks for the book I will definetly give it a shot and will let you know how I go with it, reading may be something to keep me from imploding my brain day to day and have a change from normal day life.

And thanks for the birthday wishes I will do my best to have a good one.

[peace]

@Troubled_One Awesome stuff talking so straight forward with your parents and credit to them for being so honest and what seems a little regretful. Its is a huge step in the right direction towards healing.
In healing these past issues is not just talking but it is one aspect. You will find what works best for you.
Birthday hey...best wishes ☆☆☆

[Troubled_One]

Thanks peace.

It has been a long time in the making not just a last minute decision. You are right about the past being ones aspect. For me I am happy to talk about the past but my parents are very reluctant. I think though I need my brother to come in to the picture. I feel my parents trust me but there is a barrier to thier willingness to talk about the past and I think it is because my brother is not yet saying how he feels about this. I am working with my psychologist and he is waiting for my brother to contact him and I have told my parents I think this is the next step.

[PeppiPatty]

Dear

how are you today? I have quickly read your message and will go back to it again in a minute while writing.
I can so so hear you.
this has been a long term drama in my family too.

when I was going through Psychotherapy, someone told me that all brother /sister fights are from who will get Mums and Dads love.
Love your message I'm replying to.
I LOve @kristin writing ranting Is allowed....it certainly is!! Actually, me thinks that I is Is the queen of ranting....is this not right...... @peace, @kristin and @Alessandra1992 and @Loopy .. ??

[PeppiPatty]

Okay,
I've read and read your message now...but have been really focusing on your comment on your parents.....

I know from my own family that I Feel things, and 'they,' are different.

Also mindful...... It still taps me on the back of my left shoulder....am reminded on how I treated my two youngest brothers.

When I was little: no one ever paid attention to me because both my brothers had haemophilia and my oldest brother was just very loved. but after many many years of therapy..

Realised that I've got 100% make up of maternal instinct and my Mum has about 1.2%

she is very successful and.....I'm a Mum.

It is how it is. It was like after getting to know myself a little bit more, this made sense to me.

My 'advice, ' is not from a profession or from anything but my own thoughts. I apologise if they are wrong for you. I don't want to read like I Know what your going through because your experience is very interesting and different to me.
I am 47 years old. I live with my doggy Arlo and make many mistakes every day of my life.


It feels to me like you were finding your own way when you were a teenager. It was a very confusing time and very difficult time for you. it feels like you were punishing yourself too.

On your journey for the next few years...you also may end up have your morals tap you on the shoulder now and again.....

It feels like the most important thing is to Stay in the present with your brother.
It feels like when addressing those difficult years, you need to make sure that your in a 'boundaried area.....like in a room that your most comfortable in as well as your brother.

It's your secret time. No one else's.
It feels like your brother is very lucky to have you as a brother.
Not many brothers have this type of concern.

I know that my brothers have times of remembering things that they choose to deal with like they do. I went through my way which was different. Mine was selling my home to pay for many years of expensive therapy. It is and was right for me.

[PeppiPatty]

Hope your birthday has been great fun!!

[Troubled_One]

Hi justanother47yr,

Thank you for your comments.

Yes I have some problems with parents and brother. At the moment they just do not want to all trust each other.

You say you have 3 brothers?

I have one brother but it is hard getting him to come to terms that he needs to trust the family.

You say your oldest brother was loved but only after years of therapy?

I have had years of therapy to.

Thankyou for your feelings this is the hard part I am trying to get my family to do.

P.S. thanks for birthday love.

[PeppiPatty]

Yes, I have three brothers. my half brother died about 5 months ago in a Car accident.
My oldest brother has always been loved very much this is my idea...... about my slant on my family.

Families.......after years of therapy, I can say
I'm comfortable with only myself this is clear to me. that's it.
I cannot change anyone in my family and....they all still act the 'same,' for instance.......I said to mum Ide visit her yesterday but then cancelled. she's chucking a tantrum ....when I rang her this morning, she's speaking very cold and abrupt to me. Usually, I would have driven over there, told her her how much I love her and taken her dog for a walk.....?Anything for her to love me.
now I don't care. Ille see her another day when I'm not so busy.


My children...im more interested in .....but...don't hear from them very much at all. that's okay. I have no problems with this as I know that they know thAt they are very loved by me.....I was a good enough parent for them. That's all you gotta be.....good enough.
My mother wasn't good enough.


you read like you have had lots of therapy because you show remorse and consideration beyond your years.

Personally, If I was you, Ide just separate myself from your Mum and Dad and just focus on your relationship with your brother. your Mum and Dad will always be there,

I really meant it when I wrote your a special brother. My brothers deal with their own stuff very separate from me and their brothers.

the trust can come when they are ready.

thanks for the message, it made me smile :0)