@Deadman
Welcome to the forums. I hope you find it a supportive community. You are not alone. There are likely many others on here who are or have been in a similar position to you.
I understand what it is like to be in a dark and lonely place. I too pushed others away thinking they wouldn't understand, or wouldn't be able to help. I still do that a lot. But now I have a few trusted friends and professionals. It is a slow journey to trust people with your innermost secrets and pain, but when you can find the right supports it is worth it. My advice is not to tell too much at once - test the waters first by telling someone you think you want to trust just a little bit of what is upsetting you. Not so much that you feel vulnerable or worried about what they could do with what you told them. Just a taster to let them know that you are struggling and could do with some support. Then see how they respond before telling them more.
In the meantime, the forum is a great place to tell your story, ask for advice, or connect with others going through similar experiences.
Also don't beat yourself about your gambling. It sounds like you are going through a really difficult time at the moment, and are trying to do anything to feel a bit better. Gambling may have its problems, but at the time you did it you were probably in so much pain that it felt like a way to feel better. Good on you for trying to find alternative ways to help deal with your stressors.
