Lived Experience Forum

[Cells]

I don't think I've been able to confidently function with my daily responsibilities for a while and I've attributed this feeling to a developing imposter syndrome. I am a research student and had a successful undergraduate experience but now in my post-graduate, I have struggled with maintaining the level of work or even motivation to do anything. I cannot deal with looking at the data that I have produced and have fallen into the pit of procrastination. This has extended to my self-care as I have began to self-loathe. I constantly feel like I don't deserve my degree or my qualifications and this feeling is exacerbated when I am surrounded by people who are in different worlds, such as trades-people and business professions, who do not understand that I do not just shut out my work life when I get home, I bring the work with me, at least in my mind. I know that I am capable, my previous grades have proven this, I just cannot do anything without feeling sick in the stomach. In fact, I am writing this just after I ran away from a presentation I had to do that was related to my research topic; couldn't make it to 2 minutes without panicking, crying and logging off (as it was online). I am in the spiral of producing work of bare minimum quality because I cannot spend too much time of it without hurling, and having panic attacks when I start despising the work that I had produced. Going for walks to clear my mind, relaxing by doing things that make me happy, all do not work because the feeling comes back as soon as I have to start any task. 

[Rainforest]

Hi @Cells   Welcome to the SANE forums!

It's great to have you here and thanks for telling the community a bit about yourself and sorry also to hear that you're struggling at the moment.  I'm sure the forum members will be able to offer you support, information and connection   

I'm the moderator this morning.   Feel free to ask the SANE forum team or the members if you need help with how to use the forum. You might like to check out the Guidelines as they can be a pretty useful in understanding how it all works  https://saneforums.org/t5/help/faqpage#community-guidelines.  Take care. 

[Owlunar]

Hi @Cells 

Welcome to the forum - I am glad you have found us and also started by sharing so much about the issue that has brought you here - I hope I can help in some way

It seems you were successful when you were an undergraduate but since starting your post-grad work you have come up against problems that have made it a really difficult transistion. Did something happen after you finished your under-grad work and before you started post-grad? - having gone through that transistion myself I know it is a completely different scenario when you start writing a thesis or dissertation - and you must have a mentor. Have you discussed this with them?

As an under-grad we have assignments and we chose which we will do and have a programme for dealing with one after another - sometimes more than one at a time - and we have to hand them in but writing a thesis or dissertation it seems we have however long to do it and I found myself that I did over-research - and I know the difference

Perhaps you weren't really ready to do the research - was it your choice to get into post-grad studies or was it expected of you. Whatever the reason for your current difficulties you have health issues now that made it impossible to continue your presentation and that was not good

It's not the end of the world though - I suggest you talk to your mentor about this - and depending on your social situation - your family - and maybe take a gap year or work for a while 

Did you start your post-grad studies this year because we have had a chaotic start to 2020 and this could be part of the problem

And things have changed since I was at university - when I did it I went to classes and this kept me in touch with my fellow students - since then so much is on-line and I wonder if not having contact with other students at your level makes a difference

I am glad you have reached out to us - it is an issue I haven't heard about before but I am sure you are not the first person who has encountered this kind of road block and I think the question you must ask yourself is - do you really want to do this? A pass degree is a good thing - and Honours Degree - fabulous if it doesn't wreck your health - and I guess it depends what you plan in your life if you continue to a Masters or a Ph.D. But it's up to you. If someone else wants you to do this then that could be a base of all you are experiencing right now

I wish you the best and please keep in touch

Dec

[NatureLover]

Hi @Cells , welcome, and I'm sorry to hear this. You've obviously recognised that you need help, as you've signed up for the forums...I was wondering whether you have a supportive GP, and whether you feel able to tell them what's going on and to ask them for a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist? Your distress is obviously getting in the way of your functioning in your postgrad degree. It would be worth it to invest in some support and look after yourself, I reckon.

(The psych sessions would most likely be free, government-subsidised appointments, for up to 10 sessions  per year. Sorry if you know all this already!)

[chibam]

Hi @Cells , and welcome to the forums!

One of the questions that I was left lingering with after reading your post is whether or not you actually like whatever subject it is that you are very good at? Lots of people try to force us to believe that if we are good at something, we must automatically like it, but IME, things often aren't that convienient.

[Lise07]

Hi @Cells and welcome,

I've felt a lot of the things you describe in your post - imposter syndrome, dreading looking at your work, panicking, getting on with the bare minimum and feeling awful about it. I don't think I vomited but for a while I would get reflux/indigestion every morning before going to the lab, without fail. I went from being a high-achieving undergrad to a 'scraping-by', depressed postgrad who constantly felt stupid, lazy, and out of place. I felt like I lost almost all passion for what I was doing. Worst of all, it seemed that everyone around me was doing OK, or at least having different problems. Because of this I didn't really talk honestly about my feelings to anyone until a friend who could see I wasn't doing OK pushed me to.I started seeing a psychologist for the first time soon after.

Imposter syndrome is unfortunately very common in research and academia, but not many people talk about it openly. After all, no one wants to admit they might be an imposter. Do you have a friend or someone you trust at your research job (e.g. a postdoc from another group) to talk to about some stuff you've been struggling with? Universities also often have counseling services, or at least should be able to direct you to one.

It's great that you've reached out here