31-05-2015 07:17 PM
A while ago I used to post on the Carers Forum, as my DH had PTSD. He has come along way in his treatment, but I have gone backwards. I have had a previous episode of severe depression but have been managing it quite well over the last eight years. The minute I notice things aren't right, I go to my psych for what I jokingly call a tune up and check in with my gp, who is one of a rare breed that understands mental health issues. Unfortunately about 2 weeks ago, I started getting really down again. A day or so later, I went into "enraged" mode which is what used to happen in my last severe episode. Unfortunately my rage was directed at my DH and I targeted him in a vicious and extremely nasty verbal attack, picking on all the areas related to his ptsd, and managed to damage the good work he has done for himself and I have irrevocably also damaged our relationship. Once I realised how much i had hurt him, my rage fled, and I am left in utter remorse. I cannot unsay the things I said, and I cannot excuse it. While I have apologised, it was the kind of nastiness even a heartfelt sorry will not remedy. It was bad. I immediately put some things in place to ensure it doesn't happen again, including seeing my psych more frequently and signing up for an anger management course. But by doing what I did, I feel not only that I have hurt him immensely, I have also lost all hope, and am now living in a black hole, with no idea of the future, no idea how to remedy things, and a major depression in place. I will continue to see my psych every two weeks, and we are working on the cause of the rage, but I can't see beyond it. I can recognise what the psych is working on with me, but I cannot see past what I have done. How could I have hurt someone I love, so very viciously, and very deliberately? What kind of monster am I that I would choose to target my dh in such a way, to use things from his past in such a twisted way, to undo his progress. He was doing so very well, had taken some impressive steps forward after a long intense battle, and I have managed to undo it, simply because I was angry and because I know him so well, knew which buttons to push. I hate the fact I did it, I hate that it is not within my power to undo it, and I hate myself. I am doing all the right things for myself, but it will be worth nothing if my dh remains so hurt. He is seeing his team more frequently too, and while we are still sharing a house, it is likely to be temporary. He is being very civil to me, which I don't deserve, but has pulled back, and clearly doesn't trust me, which I completely get. I see no future for myself, and definitely no future for any kind of us. I have offered to go to counselling and mediation and whatever else he needs, I have even been in contact with his team to let them know I am willing to do whatever it takes to give him the best chance of getting past what I did. I am very depressed, heartbroken and feel unable to do anything. He stood by me and supprted me through my first depression and then, when he needed me, hurt him instead of helping him. What kind of monster am I?
31-05-2015 08:20 PM - edited 31-05-2015 09:53 PM
You are not a monster. Don't let one incident define your whole being. From what I've read in your previous posts, you have supported your DH through thick and thin. There are many aspects that can make who you are, not one incident. As humans being, we are all imperfectly perfect, and we can behave in ways that makes us feel ashamed. The important thing here is that you're owning your behaviour, and you are doing what you can to rectify the situation.
There are also many things that can lead to person to respond to situations in certain ways. By this, I mean your DH's unravelling progress is not solely because of this one incident but many complex interactions (e.g., his PTSD, his perceptions, his self-worth and so on). It is understandable that he is upset, guarded even, but his whole well-being is a combination of many things. For instance, if a driver cuts someone when they are driving, some people will get upset for 1 minute, others 10 minutes, some for a whole day, while other might not get upset at all. Their reactions are not solely because of the driver who cut them, but because each person has different things going on for them.
It might take your DH sometime to process his feeling with this. In the meantime, please be kind to yourself, and look after you. I worry when I hear statements like, 'I don't see future beyond this', and that 'I have lost hope'. Sometimes people say these statements because they might be thinking of suicide, if you are having these thoughts, I strongly encourage you to discuss these feelings with your psych. It might help to develop some strategies to work through it and stay safe and well. The fact that you are seeing a psychologist shows me that you can get through this.
If you feel at anytime that things are getting to intense and overwhelming please don't hesitate to contact: Suicide Call Back Service 1800 659 467, Lifeline 13 11 14 or emergency services 000 if in immediate danger.
Another service that you might want to consider getting contact with is Relationships Australia. They can provide support for relationship conflict and breakdown.
04-06-2015 05:10 PM
How are you travelling now? I'm sorry to read what you're going through. Forgiveness is an important part of relationships, and it seems like you're doing all you can to make up for your mistake.
I echo what @CherryBomb says, don't let one incident define your whole being. You are a very caring and compassionate person - and the amazing support and love you have shown outweighs one lapse of judgement.
You mentioned you do a good job of looking after yourself (we all need a tune up!) I'm wondering if you're looking after yourself at the moment?
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