Lived Experience Forum

[Chris]

I feel like I cant do any of it any more.I'm worn out from everything.Whats left before me, is more of the same. It just goes around in a cycle. I'm too old for all this. Being there for everyone else. Listening to their woes, helping them out. Pretending I'm fine.My Husband sees im not but says nothing. He has never dealt with my  MI..But I guess alot of partners are like that. A hug would do without attachments. I talk and its met with silence, so why bother.I dont want him to fix me,I just need some kind of gesture to acknowledge its rough at the moment.I am all out of energy, and no place to go.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Chris,

I want to make sure that you are ok and safe? I feel worried when I hear statements like, ' I feel like I can't do any of it any more.'

From what I've read on your other posts, it's been a rough couple weeks of giving yourself to others, it's no wonder you're feeling depleted. It sounds like you gave and gave so much, that's there not much left for yourself. This added on top of having a MI can make things really challenging.  Can you take some time out for you?

While your husband is not providing much support, are there others you can turn to - a counsellor, friends or relative? Remember you are not alone in this. There's many people on this Forum can give you a shoulder to lean, and cyber hugs. If things feel too much please don't hestitate to contact emergency services:

Lifeline 13 11 14

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467

If in immediate danger: 000

 You mentioned in your post that things go around in a cycle. It seem like you've been here before, and while I know that this doesn't ease how you're feeling, please know that it does pass, as it has times before.

Take care,

CB 

[Chris]

Hey cherrybomb

Im ok. I guess I just don't like how I feel right now.The anger and the frustration. Its like a pressure cooker that's come to full steam, ready to explode. I know when I feel like this I have to be mindful of what I am doing, because I become impulsive and that's when I can self harm. But having said that I am trying to use my dbt skills

My psychologist is away until first week in February, and i last saw her the week before Christmas. Its been a long time.

We are going away this weekend, but will have grandchildren with us.So guess i just have to keep going somehow.

Thank you for your support.It means alot to me

[CherryBomb]

That's great you're using your new dbt skills. I appreciate how tough it can be learning new skills. There can be some much temptation to revert to old behaviours when things get trying. When I feel tempted to take up old and unhelpful behaviours. I like to use the forest anology - where old behaviours are similar to walking down an old path that you've walked down many times before that you can do it practically blind-folded. New behvaviours are similar to creating a new path in a forest. It take hard work, clearing the way, and navigating your way through the forest. When things get challenging, it can be tempting to take the old familar path, but it'll just take you to the same place you've been before. But if you keep working on building new pathways, and walking down them, it will soon become easy, sometime automatic, and moreover, the old path will eventually overgrow. 

I hope that makes sense. 

[Chris]

Yes I have just realised that all this stress over the last few week is what is a trigger for me, and I end up in hospital. So it is imperative that I use the distress tolerance skills, and do things differently this time. I think that I also need to let someone know how bad I'm feeling.And I've just realized that I haven't eaten properly for the last two days.Well I guess awareness is the beginning of change.

[CherryBomb]

Most certainly! Awareness is crucial for meaningul change. 

I think bottling up how you're feeling can lead to feeling tense, or in your words feeling like you're about to expload. 

Keep writing, and letting us know how you feeling, Chris. 

[Chris]

So just when you think nothing else can happen = it does. I keep telling myself its not that bad, cant really do much, but I guess I feel sad for her. My granddaughter is in America at the moment with school.I know she has been getting homesick, but today on skype she was so upset. It was hard to watch, and everything I suggested didn't work for her.. Unfortunately the partner walked out on the family just before Christmas Their is a two month old colicky baby and three teens in the house. She doesn't ant to cause them any worry, and goes outside to cry.And she isn't well either which doesn't help. She still has another ten days to go. She copes during the day when shes busy, its at night when she starts thinking of home and family.

Anyway got a few things done in the house which is better than the last two days.I just feel tired and want to crawl into a hole.Don't want to think or feel anything right now.

[Hobbit]

Hi @Chris ,

I guess the thing that gets all of us is being 'tired'. When we are tired, our stress levels go right up, and our coping mechanisms fade away. 

It sounds like your granddaughter is very tired indeed (her partner walking out, a colicky baby and 2 teens would do that!!). 

And I know you said that you are tired of helpling everyone else yourself. And here you are taking on yet another thing. I feel for you.

While there is obviously no quick and total solution here, I think the very fact that she can at least talk to you on Skype would be comforting to some degree. And the very fact that you can at least have a shoulder to cry on here in these forums might be comforting to some degree as well. Sometmes, just discussing things and 'letting it all out' can help ease the strain.

I have picked up on 2 things - she only has 10 days to go in USA, and you are going on holidays on the weekend. Both are not too long into the future. Perhaps try to focus on these things as short term goals. For instance, the weekend is now only 2 days away. I know you have kids going with you, but maybe try to focus on just getting to the weekend, and then getting away. 

And please keep in contact. All of us here care about you and will try to offer support where we can.

PS - there is another thread going in our Carers Forum about 'compassion fatigue'. I thought you might like to have a read. Click here to follow the link.

Take care Chris,

Hobbit.

[Chris]

sorry hobbit. I failed to mention that my granddaughter is 16, The family matters are the host family she is staying with, Its alot for a 16 yr old to handle. Being so far from home, in an environment that is a bit strained, and trying to cope with her feelings.

I have disassociated in the past under extreme stress. At its worse i was on auto pilot but didn't even recognise it. I overdosed and ended up in hospital, in a state of shock at what I had done.Its taken me a long time to try and sort it out so it doesn't happen again.I feel right now i am hovering between the impulsive side which can be very dangerous for me, and feeling tired worn down want to switch off to everything. A big tug of war.Trying to hang onto the little positive things in a day.

My thinking is a bit slow and hazey at the moment. Feel like Im going in slow motion.

[Hobbit]

Hi @Chris 

I would just like to reflect some of your words in an earlier post "So it is imperative that I use the distress tolerance skills, and do things differently this time." You are aware that this has the potential to end you up in hospital.

I think it's good that you are aware of these things in yourself. Acknowledgement is the first step to finding some sort of solution. This is strength and takes much courage on your part. I just wanted to say that - admist all that is going on for you right now, you are showing the strength to want to work on it.

You also said that your psychologist is not back until early February. Would you consider calling the Salvo's Care Line. THey are trained counsellors who can talk to you 24 hours a day (so even if you needed to talk at 3am, you can call someone). I still think just talking to people can be a real release, even a solution of sorts in itself.

The phone number is 1300 36 36 22 and you can view the website here for some more information.

As for these forums, keep talking and you will find others here that can offer you some great support as well. @PeppiPatty @Alessandra1992 @BeHappy @MrsC are a few that come to mind!!

Hobbit