Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @rosey

Mr f&h entered into a mid-life crisis 8 years ago, and this has spun out into an mi ...... as yet undiagnosed.  We are still living out of the same house, and we are sharing time with the 3 adult children still at home, but he is very much living his own life, and has undergoing personality and values changes.  Rather than hit-ting the bottle hope has hi-t the road ..... jogging and excercising excessively 7/7 ..... and rigidly regulating a “clean” diet that means he isn’t eaten eating with us ..... not our food and not our meal times.

Recent intervention on behalf of our younger son has seen his behaviour come under medical scrutiny, and having been told that he is too controlling, he has pulled back, and his almost daily rages have dramatically reduced, so we are breathing more easily as a family now, however I will say that it is the same for your situation as for ours .....until he realises there is something wrong with the way he is living and the choices he is making, there is precious little we can do.  Even leaving is very likely to result in a firestorm that can do as much damage as staying, or more ....., and in the event that he is treated and recovers, staying together means that we may be able to recover as a family.  Undergoing a firestorm would take that option off the table.

So.  As much as it pains you to see him like this, he is living the outcomes of his choices, and those outcomes will only change when his mindset changes.  Your responsibility lies with looking after yourself and other family members who you have reciprocal relationships with.  Be kind to him, and respect him, in this lost state, but protect yourself from his consequences also ..... don’t take them on as your own.  If you feel he is a serious danger to himself or others, that is the time to call for emergency services and an intervention, but he won’t thank you for that either.

There is something called a cycle of change ..... or stages of change.  Here is the model.

After 8 years we are still in the Pre-contemplationstage, because mr f&h has resources enough to keep himself comfortable in what he is doing, however it is unsustainable and cracks are beginning to show.  Your ex might reach that place where he realises that life is not working very well for him much earlier than this, however it is still likely to take a few years.  You have a life to get on with in the meantime .....

I hope this helps .....

[rosey]

Im not sure what my next step should be and you have all been so amazing so far.

Its now 3 months and we have just sold our house. Its bee a real struggle for me and I have now my own mental health demons to deal with. I have just seen a psychiartrist and getting a mental health plan set up.

I still love him and want to work on our relationship but I have had nothing from him in terms of real communications. Everytime I see him he behaves like he used to when we were together and seems like nothing is bothering him or weird. On the weekend he actually showed interest in my new job and asked how it was all going. We never talk about us or where we are going its always work, house or dogs. The last time 'us' was brought up (5-6 weeks ago) he said he wasnt ready to talk and just wanted to see if we could be friends and see if it leads to anything more but I have been distant and cant do the friends thing right now, not sure if ever.

My question(s)... Now we have sold the house (settlement in early Feb) do I bring up finalising everything. We havent split our finances or assets only the furniture as we are living apart. If we are really over I need closure and to move on but I am worried if I push to finalise everything I maybe closing a door that he has been looking to open but not quite ready. Do I wait till after christmas and new year like a friend suggested as he will have a lot of alone time to think or are we a lost cause and hes not bringing up the finances as he is being respectful of me?

Thoughts please...

[Faith-and-Hope]

While you are not sure @rosey, and you have room to move, I would agree with your friend to leave it until after New Year. He seems to have communicated well with you that 5-6 weeks ago about seeing whether you can rebuild your friendship basis ...... that's sorta where I am with my hubby. We have been through a wringer with his (as yet undiagnosed) mi issues, and I am not sure what we have left and whether we can get onto the same page in terms of rebuilding ...... it takes time for things to settle, gel, reform ..... what ver they are going o do.

💐💜

[rosey]

@dands26 just wondering how your going? 3 months in and my depression and anxiety are out of control. I have no idea how i get to work everyday.

How are you and your husband going? is the friends thing working and is he still askign for your help?

[dands26]

Hi @rosey

Friends is working for us right now. He is still asking for and accepting help. He has his first psychiatrist appointment next week. I feel like its coming and perfect timing as his emotionally state is starting to burn me out. 

If your okay with leaving the financial conversation till after new years then wait otherwise have the chat. You have to do whats right for you. 

If i have learnt anything its that we need to remember ourselves also otherwise we will loose ourselves while helping them. Got to somehow find a happy balance. 

We do dinner or lunch and a movie atleast twice a week. 

We are learning to speak and fufil each others love language and we are laughing together again. 

However wether or not its going to lead back to an intimate relationship im not sure at this stage. I think we have a lot more hurdles to jump first. 

How are you feeling about everything?

[rosey]

I have spiralled out badly. I wake up every morning wishing I didnt and at night getting angry I dont have the courage to end it all. I know I have my own demons (trauma and chronic illness) to deal with and am getting help (which isnt very well working atm). I really wish we could help each other get through this time but he hasnt given me any sign which way he is leaning. I dont know if he is heading towards final split for good or towards reconcilation. He is keeping his cards close to his chest but if i was a betting woman I would think he really hasnt progressed at all and still in the same place he was 3 months ago or happy with his decision.

I have been keeping responses short and limited what I say, allowing him to lead conversations. Not askign about us or how he is feelign, not asking if he is getting help. I dont know if its the right thing to do but its what has hurt less. I want to keep that door open for him but everytime I see him or hear from him it hurts and sends me back to the beginning.

[dands26]

I am so sorry you feel this way.
Any seperation is difficult let alone one that has soo many grey areas.
I think right now you need to focus on you. Work on feeling great about yourself and then when hes ready to work through it you will be able.
Find things that make you feel great, treat yourself, find somewhere peaceful to go for a walk, maybe even consider a pet like a puppy or a cat so you have some comfort.

[rosey]

I have two beautiful dogs but we are currently sharing custody so I dont have them this week.

As for 

---

Find things that make you feel great, treat yourself, find somewhere peaceful to go for a walk

Nothing is really cutting it atm. Everything reminds me of him or what we wont be doing together, or my multiple illnesses stop me. We had so much in common or liked doing together and things we didnt we still did for the other person. So hard to find something that doesnt have memories attached. But I am trying but I'm so tired.

What did/do you do?

[dands26]

I write, everything i feel everything i think whenever it comes and i get a moment i write it down. It feels like then ive gotten my thoughts out and im not holding them in. 

I also found a beautiful spot along the ocean and i use to just go and sit there and enjoy the peace and quiet and relax. 

I caught up with some friends i hadnt seen in a while. Although i dont think it overly helped my circumstances it was good to get out and socialise. 

Eventually when i was comfortable i let my ex see my happy peaceful place and we made it our new place. I found myself initially gravitating to places we went together and that had memories of us and i needed to move away from that and have somewhere for me so i did.

The spot is beautiful u see out to the horizon one way and accross to a major city the other. 

When i felt comfortable i let my ex see it and we started going there for picnics. This allowed me to start creating new and different memories with him. I now had places we went as a couple and i have places we go as friends. 

[rosey]

I envy that you can be friends. I just cant go there atm and not sure if I will ever be able to. I guess that may change when/if he ever admits to needing help or having issues to work out but right now its too painful. I fear I will try and read in to everything and try to find signs of hope. It makes me incredibly sad that my future may not have the man I shared 12 yrs of my life with in it at all. That I may never be able laugh over shared memories, remember travel stories together. That that large part of my life/memories I will no long be able to share with anyone. I struggle to come to terms with not having in him my life and going from each others everything to nothing at all.

I used to have a spot like you mentioned although unfortunately it was when I lived on the opposite side of the world.