Lived Experience Forum

[NikNik]

Hi Hurls,

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you for sharing your story. Your strength is inspiring.

I have noticed another member sazzarocks has posted here about losing her son. I'm wondering if you can relate and/or offer her any advice? I thought I would flag the post with you, as you seem to have a good outlook on the situation.

Like I said, I found your post inspring. Thank you for giving us an insight into your experience - I know many others will benefit from your openess.

NikNik

[kristin]

Hi Hurls,

I'm so sorry for this excruciating pain you bear. I wrote this recently partly from my own grief and partly from thinking about a close friend, who lost a daughter and has raised her granddaughter. I hope it might offer you some solace too.

Upside-down world

Earth is up
Sky is down
Solid ground
Nowhere to be found—
I grieve for my beloved
This world forever changed

Though endless moments
Trickle into months
And then years
Never will this Love,
By time or life,
Be erased

Though I ache…
To hear your voice,
See your smile,
Feel your embrace,
E’er you are with me
Etched within my heart

© May 2014

Kind regards,

Kristin

[Hurls]

I am touched by all the support for me at the loss of my son. It is a journey that no parent should have to go on and it should be that our kids should bury us, not the other way around. On this journey we all travel at a different pace trying to cope in any way we can. It is a roller coaster ride for many years, but in time my grief journey became a part of my life.

Many peopole do not understand what you are going through and make comments that show no thought for your grief. The hardest comment said is that I should be getting on with life and not wallowing in my grief. If only they knew.

Additionally, my son was rarely mentioned at xmas and other family celebrations, especially by close friends and relatives. The hardest paret was not hearing my sons name.

In the end I had to tell people, that yes Anthony was dead, but that I still celebrate his life and love to hear his name and stories of his life.

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[kristin]

Hey Hurls,

It is horrible the way people quickly treat the name of dead people as if they are taboo/unmentionable. It makes it all the more painful for those grieving their loss, because it's like pretending they never were.  

As far as "getting on with life" goes death and grieving are part of life, and very important parts too. The depth of your grief is an indication of the deep and strong love you carry for your son. This says something wonderful about you both.

Take care,

Kristin

[Frog22]

I am so disgusted at the media during the whole plane incident.  Putting those children who died on the front page of the paper.  What for???? to torture the parents???  For entertainment for the rest of the world?????  Sickening.  Those poor parents not only have to try to realise what has happened, but also have to contend with giving photos and statements to the media, it is just cruel.

[Alessandra1992]

Those words are beautiful Kristin.

[sazzarocks]

Hi Hurls, Very sorry to hear about your son. Our only child (son) died in a car crash 2.5 years ago and it still feels like we are in a fog. I still keep hoping he will come through the door. One day at a time. My condolences to anyone in this forum that has lost a child or a brother or sister. It is very painful and I just never imagined it would happen to me.

[Mailly]

Dear All,

Think we agree how our beloved children become 'elephants in the room' with those who have no understanding about how it feels to lose a child to an early death.

Had lots of experience of this phenonema - names not mentioned at family functions, etc., etc.   Most hurtful one recently was sisters-in-law 'omitting' mention of our daughter in the death notice of my husband's mother.   She was her grandaughter for 32 years, God help us!!!  

I now (and have done from pretty early on in my grief) corrected this sort of stuff and exposed the exclusion of 'the elephant' - sure, some people are caused to wriggle in their seats, but I reckon the good ones learn the lesson, and the ones that don't, I don't really need in my life.

Keep dancing ('cos life is not about waiting for the storm to pass;  it's learning to dance in the rain) 

[betsyboo]

Hi Hurls
So very sorry for your loss! I too experienced the loss of my son 15 years ago. Some people who have not lost a child, do not understand the implications of a child dying before their parents. From my experience, I have found this situation to be by far the most difficult that I have experienced. Telling people to get over it, time to move on, wanting the old you back do not help in grief, most likely delay the process. Although grief is different to other mental health issues, I believe the aftermath of such deaths causes issues that are sometimes expected to be over in a very short period of time. Hopefully grief can be redefined so we know we are "normal" throughout our journey. All the very best to you and your family.

[sazzarocks]

HI Mailley,

Yes totally agree the elephant in the room is definitely mentioning our child's name. I know why they don't do it because we might be emotional and that makes them uncomfortable. A friend said to me once, I can't bear to see you cry. I felt like saying I can't bear being your friend then. People don't say their names for various reasons but there is no reason not to say their name. We know they are dead, we have not forgotten this one important fact. Not talking about our child, just makes it worse and seems as if they never existed.

That is good you correct omissions of your daughters name. I have had to do this a few times also. We have to be the ones teaching others how to act and what to do. I supposed I never knew what to do either before my son died.

I like your quote Keep Dancing...