Lived Experience Forum

[Baileyboy]

Thankyou @utopia@Former-Member@Former-Member for your understanding words. sorry I haven't been able to visit the forum today. I have been melting down I guess, alone in my mind ar least,, participating in the meaningless daily activities but unfortunately wrapped up in my useless degrading chatter.

Saw my bro-inLaw to chat about nothing really but he did mention the funeral and said not to worry my cousins would go straight down when it was there turn but I explained, horribly, that I wanted them to have that wonderful feeling of rising towards happy, expecting that their perfect lives were being rewarded when " WHAM" a detour sign  " wrong way...forbidden entry". I want them to know the feeling that their expectations are going to be fullfilled and then realising that it's ALL CRAP...know and feel the disappointment, have their hopes dashed at the last moment!!! 

What sort of person plots someone's demise like that? Don't think I can ever forgive. They know the truth and yet it's me who has the problems. One of them told my sister years ago that she wished that I would just put whatever my problems were in the path. They knew...I had only just started to remember myself and I have been dealing with it to a certain extent. I do see both a gp and psychologist but of course both are away at present, so it's just me....and you of course @utopia@Former-Member@Former-Member.

But I've let it all get the better of me. That church represents so much hurt, that altar scene, the day after dads death, was the first time the abuse became sexual and on it went for 8 long years and it is that aloneness and shame that goes with these ritualistic secrets that have in one foul swoop turned my life upside down. He is everywher, when I turn there he is. I remember his voice, his smell, his touch, always his touch. He didn't just rape a body, he raped my life. It is no use anymore, if one experience can just tear me apart. Not that I thought I was healed or even whole but I think,  at least Iwas a little better and noe I know it was all a farce. I'll never be better, cant live with the knowlege that if I do something a little bit hard it's just going to knock me for six and you guys are the only ones who even have an inkling that I'm feeling so useless, so disgusted with myself and look at me, I'm thinking of me..me who means nothing in the scheme of things, nothing when people have lost a loved one. Sure, Bet was my loved one too but I am just a selfish person wrapped up in imaginary (yeah real, very real to me) thought, clueless as to how to even begin to pull myself out of all this. I had these feelings years ago and I slipped away from everyone and everything. I can feel thid feeling starting to envelope me and only in such a short time.

I was over all the SH ans suicidal thoughts and yet ther they are right in my face. I don't think anyone can help anymore. Mum and Bet would have held me but I'm no longer worthy of their love and noone elses is available. A song I know says that " if you don't care, you don't cry! You don't hurt if you don't try! " Well maybe I need to not care or try bacause I'm sick of hurting and crying....NOT WORTH IT ANYMORE!

I don't know what happens when we die, but I've got a horrible feeling that it's just into the earth....nothing. Now wouldn't nothing feel good. That I could deal with. Nothing more now. THANKS for listening to my rambling mind...can't listen myself anymore. Maybe he has finally won.

Bb 

[Baileyboy]

Scared....very scared...staked by my memories, flashbacks everwhwlming

[Former-Member]

No @BB, he hasnt won, you know, "while there's tears there's hope" I guess in that case, it is good that you can cry, cry as much as you need. This is a particularly hard week / month for you, please be gentle on yourself. Going to a funeral, and in that churc, and loss tapping into loss... this has stiref things up for you, bigtime!! It has retraumatised you with inner an outer pain. Take heart, take as much time you need, the dust will settle and you'll soon find your feet again. And if you're bowled over again in the future - you'll get up quicker, rise we must. Keep working at finding a life worth loving. :)💜💕

[utopia]

@Baileyboy. A very old friend from my young years was also abused by a priest. I actually believe it was mire than one.
I've never been religious. Not raised that way. But when I think of what those animals did to innocent children - I do hope there is a heaven and hell. And just like you, I want them to travel up to the Pearly Gates. I want God to stand there and read out their full lists of crimes and to feel how their victims - my old friend, you, others, hurt then and still hurt now. I want God to inflict the physical and emotional pain on them. And then deny them entry to heaven. And throw them down to Hell - where they will feel not only the pain of their own victims - but of all victims in the world and over all of time who were hurt in this way.
So I don't think it strange that your thoughts of revenge or karma are odd. I have them too.
The hard part is trying not to think of this revenge scenario too often. As the thoughts themselves can be toxic.
I really think it would be a good idea to talk to a professional while your support is away. You could talk to the local hospitals CAT team or psych Triage nurse. Or the Suicide Call Back Service. Lifeline.
You are dealing with a hard situation in the death of your special Bet. At the same time you have been triggered severely by being back in that church.
Could you try calling someone tonight - the local CAT team. They can assist you and help to keep you safe until your own doctors come back..