10-10-2019 01:30 PM
@CheerBear We often had women coming back 2 or 3 times ...and even after they had tried to rebuild their lives again. It is not an easy cycle to break out of at all - I certainly know that myself ...but my actual survival meant I had to and luckily for me it was the last near-death experience that finally ended it all. Maybe it was the realisation by him on how far he had taken it but that is something I will never know. The fear for months afterwards was so high until I founf out he had moved states - that gave me a little relief but much like you I had to rebuild things up in my life again. Uni had suffered, I no longer did most of my sport and the few friends I had I no longer saw but somehow I finished uni and continued to play one sport (although there were a couple of times I just did not turn up because I had no concept of time or where I was apart from sleeping and surviving). It is so hard to be controlled so severely that you have no sense of self and scared of what each day will bring ...and added on top of that the real fear for your life if you leave or tell anyone makes for a really unhappy, lonely and terrifying existence. I can only imagine what that would be like for someone with kids as well - it becomes not about you but about them and their welfare. So again - so much admiration for you for all that you have been through and all that you have done to rebuid your lives ...truly inspirational CB
10-10-2019 02:27 PM
I'm so sorry you went through all that you did @Zoe7 ❤ Thank you for the getting it you've given me today, though I wish it hadn't come from that place of experience for you.
@Maggie I've been thinking of you hoping the cave (if you're in there) has felt okay. I have a confession- I spent a bazillion hours trying to find you the right coffee cup to bring this morning but I couldn't. I did find an amazing amount of coffee wisdom though which I've saved. Here's one for you for today
Big ❤ as I head out 👋
10-10-2019 03:23 PM
Thankyou @CheerBear that’s such a lovely quote, the thoughts behind it are extra special, as I know how long it can take finding the right cup/quote.
@CheerBear @Zoe7 Reading through your conversation here brought back so many of my own memories. I can feel to stupid at times sharing, as I felt the abuse I received at the hands of my husband was all my fault, like I had driven him to it. I only realised it was abuse watching Dr Phil one afternoon, his wife has a link, when Georgia smiles I think.
My counsellor has told me my reaction is a common one. I did not think I would ever cope alone, so abuse seemed my only choice. I told no one, so the lies he spread about me to cover his actions were believed. I became the villain.
@CheerBear Credit to you. No word big enough to express the admiration I have for what you are doing for you and LF.
You too @Zoe7 Truely inspirational in the biggest possible way.
10-10-2019 04:02 PM - edited 10-10-2019 04:04 PM
Your reaction is indeed a common one @Maggie Part of the emotional toll it takes on us is the thinking that it must be our fault or we deserve it for not 'toeing the line'. It is not the case but we can only see that when we have had distance from it and some healing. That in itself is difficult and even harder again if there is other trauma in our past to deal with. From 9 - 23 that is pretty much all I knew and really had become the norm for me. It is so hard to know what you do not know and therefore have the ways or means (or knowledge) to break out of that. I sought help from my GP and a counsellor when he finally left - that was the first time I tried to end it all ...and the second and the third. My counsellor took me to hospital when I became catatonic in her room but not surprisingly after 7 hours of waiting and not getting any further help or support at the hospital I was sent home ...with no money (as he had already taken everything I had) and no way of getting home. I was in no state to walk - it would have taken me hours on a good day (and it was the middle of the night) - and luckily an orderly offered to take me home and I had to accept because I had no other options.
Unfortunately my experience and my story is not unique and is still one that many still endure. Some may very readily say 'report him' or 'leave' but it is not that simple. Often the very real fear of doing just that is coupled with the fear of what would happen if you did. While there is some protection now for women that there was not back then - it is not a full-proof system. We are often shown what happens when action is taken against someone in this way and the outcome can tragically be a loss of life. That fear is very real for some and an official complaint or court directive is no guarantee to be the end of it.Combining that with the adverse way many victims are treated in the process it is no wonder many do not report it. It will take for more people to stand up and say this is not appropriate and will not be tolerated in any way, shape or form for further changes to happen but when it is so well hidden that makes it even harder. Again - people can only see what they see and know what they know and therefore can only do what they can with what knowledge is available to them. DV is still very much a hidden crime.
10-10-2019 04:15 PM
@Zoe7 So sad, so true. Even some Police treat it lightly, like it’s ok or something.
I’m grateful I have a counsellor with years of experience, and wisdom to believe the unbelievable, bizarre, that was the norm for us. My story would otherwise never have been told. You are amazing @Zoe7 never forget that. 💜💕💜
Waiting for news of Cat. 💜💜💜💜💜💜
10-10-2019 05:27 PM
My psych only knows the bare basics @Maggie - some will never be told - just too hard ...but that is the only way I can find to move forward in any way - acknowledging the history, the effect it has had on me and how it has shaped who I am now whilst also recognising it does not define me. Sometimes they are hard things to reconcile but for me very necessary to have any chance of keeping going and having any hope for changes in the future. I too have a great psych who is very experienced, very switched on, very empathetic and also very knowledgeable in many therapy areas. We have tried several approaches to help me work through the past but with every one it hs been re-traumatising - EMDR was the worst. Sessions now are more general ...touching base more than anything and me knowing I have that support there if I need it. Working through the past is not the road I need to go back down - I can't change it, it has happened - so it is about dealing with things in the here and now and hopefully one day seeing past the present and into the future. That does make it hard when there are still nightmares and unexpected triggers but I am learning to deal with them better.
10-10-2019 05:59 PM
Yes, I get that @Zoe7 I can’t do any of the therapies that works for most. 13 years of a kind and patient gifted counsellor, and I’ve found some pieces . The jig saw will never be complete, that’s ok. I have to walk gently with my past, my present, and my future. I can fall into or over, the smallest unseen hurdles. I never see them coming, or rarely.
Like you, I make the most of what I have, when I can, and let it be. Too much trauma to uncover, and no real purpose in the uncovering. Nightmares and triggers, all very familiar.
Its a tough hand we’ve been dealt @Zoe7 Sometimes, one small step, other times spent in a cave or faking it as I best I can. Just surviving astounds me so often. When breathing is too much and I wish it was over. But here we are, defying the odds.
10-10-2019 06:07 PM
That we certainly are @Maggie ...and @CheerBear and so many others. It is not how many times we get knocked down but how we pick ourselves back up each time. ...and like you sometimes that means being in the cave and sometimes faking it. Then there are those days that just breathing is all we can do. It never leaves us but we do get through it - each in our own way. That all takes so much strength to deal with and so much courage to get through - two attributes we see from so from so many on here. ...and together we are stronger for knowing each other 💜💙💚🧡💛
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